has thankfulness lost its meaning?

If your parents cared at all about manners, the words: “please and thank you.” are ingrained in you from a very young age. To get what you want, you say please, and when you get what you wanted, you say thank you. The frequency in which we say “thank you” I feel like it has caused it to lose some of the weight I think it deserves. Maybe it’s because it seems so easy on the surface. I mean we literally teach it to children. Maybe that’s why it seems overused.

So what happens when you say thank you for something you didn’t want? Does it change you? People say prayer doesn’t always change the person or the thing you’re praying for, but it changes YOU. That’s how I feel about thankfulness. The act of being thankful for what you have, whether or not it’s what you want CHANGES you. Changes your perspective. Changes your heart. Changes what we notice. The act of being thankful for something we didn’t ask for. Thankful no matter the circumstances I think takes away a lot of the privilege/entitlement we feel. I know I struggle with feeling entitled when it comes to everyday things I take for granted. Like the working car I drive to my job at a church, my health, my relationships, family, etc.

Is thankfulness an opportunity for our perspectives to be shifted?

Gratitude isn’t a synonym for rest, but I think they’re connected. For me, gratitude has a lot to do with peace. To find peace in the Lord, it’s necessary to practice thankfulness. I know the times I’ve experienced his supernatural peace are also the times that felt the most thankful for my situation; good or bad. I had to set down my pride and pick up His grace. 

Several instances this past year I’ve felt the Lord calling me to something, and I would walk in that (somewhat unwillingly/uncomfortably.) It was hard to walk in faith and not know what I was going to receive. I would walk in reckless belief and then not receive what I thought I was going to receive. It was hard to put in all that “work” and then not get the tangible thing I wanted. But I received something so much greater. I received more of Him each time. He has strengthened my Faith, strengthened our relationship. I didn’t walk out of those situations with a tangible thing, because it was really all about the intangible. It may feel like all that work has been for nothing, but really it’s been for everything.

This selection of verses in Hebrews has been a constant comfort to me (scratch that, all of Hebrews 11): 
“And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.” Hebrews 11:39-40 

I originally wrote this blog just as some notes for a discussion I was doing with my LifeGroup around Thanksgiving; I actually never intended on posting it but here I am 2.5 months later with new revelation from the Lord that He wants me to share. When I was preparing for that discussion I came across these passages in the Bible and man did the Lord open my eyes to what thankfulness looks like.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  (The Message says: This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.”)

The way He wants us to live. So not only is thankfulness helpful to our relationship with the Lord, but thankfulness is a command. The word “command” makes it sound a bit dodgy but it absolutely gives it the weight, the value, it deserves. I think when God commands us to do something it’s because that’s He wants for us. But it’s a decision we have to make on our own. It may feel pretty crappy at the time, but He knows that the pain lasts but a moment in comparison to what He has for us.

“But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God.” Psalms 50:23

So. Thankfulness is an offering or sacrifice to the Lord. I mean I don’t know about you but thankfulness sure feels like a sacrifice when He’s asking me to be thankful for something I definitely didn’t want. Thankfulness is an act of worship to the Lord. It brings Him glory and honor, and what else could I want? It goes hand in hand with thankfulness being a command. He knows that when we’re thankful for what we don’t want, it changes our perspective. I think each time we thank God for a trial or “bad thing” in our lives, we get a little closer to His heart; to walking in the Lord’s mindset. Each time more of Him is added, and less of us. Isn’t that the point?

My prayer for you, for myself, for this world honestly, is that we would be more intentionally thankful no matter the circumstances. When we say thank you through tears; with a shaky voice, the Lord is there with us. He’s always there.

So, with my shaky voice I say: “I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.”

– J

 

twenty two years as an orphan.

You wouldn’t think it by looking at me, but I lived 22 years as an orphan.

Not as an orphan in this world, because I come from a very loving family, but as an orphan of my Heavenly Father. He didn’t make me one, I made me one. I chose to live 22 years as an orphan. I decided for Him that I wasn’t “worth it“. 22 lonely years of not fully accepting my Father’s unconditional, reckless love & fierce grace; something that He was so ready to give to me. But regardless, He’s been calling out to me this whole time.

In 2017 everything changed. And I mean everything. I began the year (3AM, January 1st.) hopeless and with an immense amount of pain in my heart. And yet, with that broken heart I felt closer to the Lord than ever. That very moment He gave me this verse:

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

Little did I know how prophetic that verse would be. It’s a verse I’ve gone back to over and over again in the last year.

He has made everything new in my life. He has expanded my Faith in ways I didn’t think were possible. He’s healed relationships I had fully accepted would never change. He’s broken down walls I had put up; walls I didn’t even know existed. He’s given me such good gifts this whole year that I absolutely do not deserve. When I felt hopeless, He was still working. Every time.

About halfway through the year the Lord revealed to me how I had been living in this orphan mentality. Always felt as though I had to make it on my own and could never ask for help. Fiercely independent (or complete lack of vulnerability as my counselor likes to say.) Looking out for myself because I didn’t think anyone else would. A victim. In this orphaned state I built a wall to keep everyone out; to keep myself “safe.” Basically living my life as though I was completely alone; no one could (or wanted) to be with me or help me. Even the Lord; Especially the Lord.

It’s amazing what happens when you let yourself be known by others; by the Lord. The mask comes off. Sometimes I chose to take the mask off and other times He made it come off. There were so many thoughts, feelings, strongholds, and facets of my life that I thought I needed to hide from the Lord (and from my people.) He saw it all before I chose to reveal it to Him, open handed. And He loves me the same. Like pieces of a broken clay jar being presented to a King, He’s taken them and mended them into a vessel to share His love and grace.

The Lord helped me realize my need for other people, but even more importantly, my need for Him. The fact that I even attempted a life without Him is laughable to me now. I need Him every day, every second. He is my strength, my hope, my fortress, my Savior, my Father, my friend. He is everything to me.

I have said this a thousand times and I’ll say it again. I am so so so thankful to Lord for how He’s pursued me this past year. He’s sought me out, chased me down, He’s chosen me again and again. In my sorrow I’ve prayed for Him to encourage me and each time He’s so lovingly given me something to hold onto. A piece of His heart. He doesn’t have to show me anything when I ask him to; it would be perfectly acceptable for Him to make me wait and see what He’s doing. I should have enough faith & trust in Him to do that. But what a loving Father He is that He comforts us and gives us things to comfort us in our waiting, in our affliction, and in our sorrow. He doesn’t have to, BUT HE DOES.

This whole year He has made a way when there was no way, He’s made beautiful overflowing rivers through the dry wasteland of my life, of my heart. 2017 was a year that snuck up on me. It’s going down in the history of my life as the greatest year ever because it’s the year that I got to know my Father so much more intimately. He’s called me out of the darkness and into His wonderful light. To step out in trust. 2017 is the year I said yes to Him. Wholly and completely. It was a year of fierce refinement and growth and I am so thankful.

– J

why i’m thankful for my anxiety.

Yesterday was World Mental Health day and I acknowledged it by going to counseling. Please know that you are not alone. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to ask for help. I’ve said this before but I’ll continue to say it: I am always ready and willing to talk to anyone about their mental health struggles. (Or any struggle for that matter.) We can break the stigma surrounding mental health issues one conversation at a time.

In the past, I have personally dealt with depression and anxiety (sometimes together). Can we talk about how amazing it is that I get to say: “in the past”? I started going to counseling on April 1st, 2016 and I can honestly say that outside of deciding to follow Jesus, it was one of the best decisions of my life.

My anxiety is at a much MUCH lower level since having gone to counseling for the past 18 months. I was having monthly, sometimes weekly, anxiety/panic attacks. And about 3 times a day my heart rate would rise above 120 bpm; I called this my “daily” anxiety.

I remember the first time someone suggested I pray about my anxiety. To be honest with you, I was furious. Not because they suggested prayer (I absolutely believe in the power of prayer) but because I felt like I had TRIED already, (I had been suffering in silence for at least six months before I told anyone.) Tried to pray the anxiety away. Tried to trust the Lord. But I felt helpless. I felt out of control of my own body and mind. THAT’S what anxiety will do to you. Anxiety will bring any control you have over your life crashing to the ground.

I think what hurt the most was that trying (and failing) to pray my anxiety away made me feel like I wasn’t a good Christian. It made me feel like maybe I wasn’t worthy to be healed. It made me insecure in my faith. Honestly, when prayer didn’t “work” (the way I wanted it to.) it made me feel like I wasn’t going to get better. Right then and there I bought into the enemy’s lie that I would never be healed.

But how amazing and faithful is our Lord that even when we don’t believe, He still comes through. When my faith in Him was at an all time low, it did not affect His ability to be faithful to me. Wow. I don’t deserve that kind of love.

I have been absolutely humbled walking through this and ultimately have become glaringly aware of my own depravity. God doesn’t NEED me to perform miracles. God doesn’t need my input or my contributions in order to do His work, but He still wants them.

I believe in miracles. I believe that the Lord could’ve healed me on the spot if that’s what he’d had for me. I BELIEVE in that. BUT. That’s not how He decided to heal me. It was a slow healing; it was a process. I believe that I had to go through this journey to heal from past experiences and ultimately to know more of Him. Something I realized in counseling was that I wasn’t made to do life alone; that it’s okay to need other people.  It caused me to learn more of our Father’s attributes. Loving, faithful, constant, compassionate, empathetic, and the list goes on from here to infinity. I look back and realize that throughout the whole thing, He was walking with me. He never left my side; He held my hand every step of the way.

So, that’s why I’m thankful for my anxiety. Because I have gotten to know more of my Father in the process.

Like my pastor says: “The prize is in the process.”

– j

your life doesn’t start when you get married.

Your life has already started. Seems obvious but I want to make that clear to everyone reading this (especially the ones in my generation.)

Also, let me preface this by saying that I am not married but hope to be one day, so bear with me. Future married Jordan may end up wanting to punch past single Jordan in the face, we’ll see. 😉

Listen close: your life does not start when you get married, a new chapter of it does. If your life is a book then marriage is just a exciting, BIG, new chapter. Your life is not a book that only gets to be opened and enjoyed once you’re married. The book of your life is open & ready to be LIVED NOW. So ENJOY. IT. NOW!

I am absolutely, positively, preaching to myself here. I want the whole thing. The husband that’s more in love with Jesus than me, the kids that show me His love, the perfectly planned group Halloween costumes, the sickenly cute Instagram posts, all of it. But I want it in God’s timing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be married. Like really, really excited. But I don’t want to miss out on what God is calling me to now. I don’t want to wish away this time of being single. I want to live my life to the fullest NOW. There could be things the Lord wants you to do and experience on your own before you get married. 

I know this is difficult because we have society, popular movies, & musicians saying things like: “I don’t know who I am without you.” I get the rom-com desperate type love, but it’s severely flawed.

Where is your identity? Is it in that person you admire, or the Lord?

Because listen: I don’t know who I am without Him. 

You should know who you are without your significant other.

I am the daughter of the one true King. I am chosen and loved by Him. First and foremost I am HIS. I desire to walk with Him in whatever He calls me to. i am loud. i am joyful. i am broken. i am insecure. i laugh a lot. I am in desperate need of our Savior. It’s important to know who you are and Who you ultimately belong to. Use this time to hone in on that. Figure out and KNOW who you are and who God wants you to be. Please recognize that you can’t figure this out on your own. Recognize your own depravity and understand that ultimately this will only be accomplished in the Lord’s strength, not yours. Seek Him. Recklessly. Wholeheartedly. He’ll show you who He wants you to be.

So, in this season of being single, take that leap of faith. Apply for that job that intimidates you. Travel by yourself. Move to a new city. Move to a new state. Heck, move to a new country. Put your obedience to the Lord and what he has for you ABOVE your fleshly (or even pure) desires. You’re never gonna be alone in whatever God calls you to. He will never leave you. He will equip you for what he calls you to.

– j

Promises Fulfilled (or maybe not yet.)

There’s this thing I’m hoping for. That I’m confident God is calling me to.

It has yet to be fulfilled but I’m confident that He is refining me into who He wants me to be when I receive said promise. This refining time is difficult. But listen. It’s worth it. It’s easy to rush through it & busy yourself while waiting for that thing you desire so much. But what if we stopped for a second, were still, & asked God to shift our perspective and what it is He’s trying show us in this season? Instead of having our eyes on the prize, what if we realized we’ve had the ultimate Prize all along in Jesus? It’s our natural inclination to distract, but it’s quite the opposite of how we should wait. There’s a YouVersion bible plan called: “Kingdom Identity” that I recently completed. Day 3 was all about waiting and what to do “in the meantime”. I encourage you to check it out because it seriously shifted my perspective on how to carry myself through this season. (At the bottom of this post I also have Bible verses that have encouraged me in this.)

I’m not saying it’s bad to hope for God’s promises in your life to be fulfilled. But I think God wants us to hope in Him and wants to give us good things (aka Jesus.) because He loves us. I think if you’re hoping for the things God wants you to hope for that you will naturally seek Him in all of it. But if you’re seeking that desire more than Him, you need to reshift your focus to the One who you’ll never have to wait on.

One of my favorite bloggers Sara Gilmore said this:

“There’s a piece of His heart to be found in the waiting” 

Something the Lord is teaching me right now in this season of waiting is to seek Him first and be fully dependent on Him. It’s okay to be needy with Him. To relinquish all control and fully surrender to Him. He knows what is best for us. I want to desire Him more than anything else. In this season of waiting I have no option but to fully rely on Him. He is my Comforter. My best friend. My Father. My One True Love. He cares for me. He sees me.

I see Him. When I look back. When I look around me now. I know He’s going to be present with me in the future. In every season. He is faithful. When the waiting is making you stir crazy. When you’re waiting for that promise fulfilled the whole time God is drawing you closer and closer to Himself to show you that He is the only Promise you need and it has been fulfilled since Jesus died on the cross for us.

My journal entries from three months ago to now are drastically different. Three months ago I was scared of the uncertainty and it showed. Fast forward to today and I’m still living in the same uncertainty, but that’s okay. He’s got me. I know that one day He will fulfill this promise that I’m longing and waiting for. However that may look. He is a good, good Father.

Until then.

I’ll be here. residing. waiting. in the meantime; with Him.

– j

Things that have helped me:

Sara Gilmore’s blog.

Scripture: Psalms 37:5&7, Luke 1:45, Mark 9:24, Mark 4:39-40, Mark 6:31, & Isaiah 40:31

Counseling – One Year

On April 1st of this year, 2017, I celebrated one whole year of going to counseling.

HOLD FOR APPLAUSE. 😉

For over two weeks I’ve wanted to share with the internet-sphere what counseling has done for me, but didn’t have the words until now.

Let me preface all of this by saying that the way I talk about counseling may make it seem like all sunshine and rainbows, but that is far from the truth. Don’t get me wrong, counseling is WONDERFUL and I do not hesitate to say that I think most people could benefit from it. This is for certain: counseling is difficult, but the process is essential.

Going to counseling has caused my thought process to completely change. What I would once obsess over, I now have the proper tools to utilize in stopping those thoughts. It has caused me to have more courage; to step out and have difficult conversations. It has been a beacon of hope for me when my anxiety was an overwhelming storm. I have gone into sessions walled up and feeling hopeless, but never have I left that way.

It has caused me to realize some harsh (but necessary) truths about myself.

I am a textbook perfectionist. I view being perfect as being the only way I can be accepted (or even accept myself), which is obviously untrue. Through this constant striving to be perfect, I RARELY feel like I am enough for people. Worth and perfection are things my counselor and I continue to discuss. (That’s a whole blog post in and of itself.)

All of that to say, I continue to go to counseling. I know I will never, ever, ever, EVER be perfect (I laugh at the thought), but I also know I still have work to do in my life. I’ve made A LOT of progress through counseling. This is something that I (and my counselor) have to remind myself of. It’s easy for me to forget the progress I’ve made when it seems to have stalled.

Counseling has changed me in the best way possible. It has made vulnerability a habit of mine. It has absolute transformed my relationships with friends, family, coworkers, etc.

I will be an advocate. I will any questions people may have.

I will continue to break down the stigma regarding counseling.

– J

“For you.”

My friend Brooke is in Austin with her husband. This morning she sends me a text with the words: “For you.” Below the message is a picture of The Paramount Theater in Austin. It was the smallest gesture, but it was the fact that she saw something out in her life and thought of me. In friendships and in relationships it doesn’t mean money spent. Or paragraphs of love written. Or even saying all the right things. It’s more in the silence. In the waiting. You almost feel the love more with what goes unsaid. Like you both just have a mutual, silent understanding that you care for each other. Does that make sense? All she did was send me that picture. She didn’t say too much. Just enough. It’s not anything that anyone says sometimes, it’s how they make you feel. In how they try and how they think of you when you’re not with them. It’s not about fancy word usage or proclamations of love. It’s about a whole lot of little things.

 

– J

Counseling.

I started going to counseling on April 1st of this year. No, that’s not a joke.

(Sorry I couldn’t resist.)

It has easily been the most rewarding and difficult thing I’ve done. I’m pretty open about it with my coworkers, family; my peers. It’s taken me longer to release said information into this little (but quite massive) internet-sphere. Like Facebook, Instagram, any social media. I think it’s because I feel the need to keep up appearances and suddenly instead of telling a person to their face (where I can see their reaction), I’m telling a whole world of people whose reaction/judgment is blocked from my view by a phone or computer. It’s a scary thing being vulnerable. Like not having a layer of skin as protection, leaving all of my insides to be viewed by the general public. Gross analogy, but you get the idea.

So. Here it is, interwebs. I’m going to counseling. If you asked me what for, my impulse response would be “for my anxiety.” But since starting counseling I’ve learned that a label is just that. A label. It’s a characterization, but it’s not anything other than that. It doesn’t convey information unique to the person with said “label”.

I’m going to counseling because I need it. Because I love me and I care about myself and my mental health and I am so ready for the stigma surrounding counseling to be shattered to bits.  I’m choosing to help facilitate said destruction. I’m going to counseling, but counseling is not WHO I AM. And another thing, counseling doesn’t have to be negative. It’s honestly a really great thing. For me, starting to go to counseling meant that I want(ed) something more for myself than what I had. I was tired of suffering from anxiety and other issues. I decided to help myself and that’s the best decision I ever made.

It all seems very romanticized, so let me get very real with you. Counseling is rough. On more than one occasion I have cried throughout my hour long session. There are so many layers of myself that get peeled back, that sometimes once I leave I’m scrambling to layer up and not let everyone see the deepest parts of me. But then, there are other times the sessions are so difficult that I don’t have the emotional energy to put up a facade. Those are the days I learn the most about myself. Let me encourage you in this, I have never left a session feeling hopeless. No matter how difficult my session was, I have never felt defeated. You could say I have a really great counselor (Because I do.) But it also could be that counseling is SUPPOSED to feel hopeful even in the most heavy times. In the words of one of my favorite organizations To Write Love on Her Arms, it is both heavy and light.

“We laugh and we scream and we sing. Our hearts are heavy and light.”

I hope this helps just one person. Even if it doesn’t, the words still ring true.

Much love to you all,

Jordan

You’ll See Me Tomorrow, because..

On September 10th it was World Suicide Prevention Day. (So I’m a little late to the party) An organization called To Write Love on Her Arms encouraged people to write on a piece of paper why “You’ll See Me Tomorrow”. You can view the video they made for WSPD15 here. Why you’ll see me tomorrow:

Because I refuse to let the darkness win. Because family. Because Mom and Dad need their daughter. Because of JJ and Angie, Brittny and Andrew, Erica, Taylor, and Natalie. They need their sister. Because my job as auntie JoJo is not over. There’s still so many kisses to give Adele and her sister. Because Greyson Levi, my nephew. And my nieces and nephews I have yet to meet. Because TEXAS. The people living there and the peace I feel when I’m there. Because I’ve got more Aggie Football games to go to. Because of Rachel and our Sunday nights at Starbucks. Because her fierce love for me in all my crazy forms. Because Passion tea, y’all. Because all of the DIY projects I’ve yet to do. Because Layne’s fried chicken. Because mac n’ cheese. Because there’s still so many coffee shops I haven’t cried in. 😉 Because I haven’t perfected my latté art. Because vinyl records, scented candles, and all the books I haven’t read. Because I still haven’t gotten that tattoo. Because CHRISTMAS. and cold weather. and christmas lights. and Christmas music. Because of the Photography business I haven’t started and the coffee shop I haven’t opened. Because of Celeste and her embarrassed laugh and how she’s helped me with my anxiety. Because of Becca and the coffee we’ve yet to try and our three hour Target runs. Because of the kids in my classroom and the hugs I get from them. Because Josh Garrels, and Will Reagan, and Ryan Adams. and all the songs I’ve yet to write. Because God isn’t done with my story yet. Because I’ve been loved before and I’ll be loved again. Because God is still writing my love story. Because of my future kids. Because they’re going to need their Mom to be there. Because I still haven’t seen the eiffel tower. Because there’s still so many trips to take. Because I’ve only been to London once. And I’ve never been to New Zealand. Because there’s still people to share my story with. Because that conversation I had with Mikayla in that coffee shop. Because sleeping in on a Saturday. Because there are still so many chances for me to be brave. Because there’s still cats to be adopted. Because I know what its like to be left completely alone and I won’t do that to the people I love. Because there’s still blog posts for me to write and pictures to take. Because I still have more walks to take with Jack. Because of the love I see in my Mother’s eyes. Because there’s got to be someone there to give my Dad a fist bump when he makes a corny joke. Because John Green and the stuff he says. Because of all the love I have yet to give and that i’m saving for someone special. Because sunrises and sunsets. Because fireworks. Because my story is still going. And I’ve got lots more corny jokes to make, so I have got to be here tomorrow. 

-J

I need other people.

“Keep going. Keep talking about it.”

A sweet, simple sentence from a friend that invited me to be the most vulnerable I’ve been in a long time. And I’m to blame for that.

If I’m being honest, I’m intimidated by intimacy. My thought process is that if I share too much they’ll judge me. Or think I’m crazy. Or tell everyone. Or a million other possibilities. The problem with my view of intimacy is that when I have these thoughts, I haven’t even given someone the chance to NOT do these things. I assume bad things will happen and that stops me from experiencing true intimacy in conversation with friends, family, and even strangers.

The sentence above was an invitation to be vulnerable. An encouragement to be real. In that moment I realized I need that friend. I need other people. Other people have this great capability to get you out of your head and into reality. To grab you by the shoulders and say: “you’re okay. you’re okay. you’re okay. YOU’RE OKAY.” They bring with them an invitation to keep going. To not give up. It’s a sweet thing, to finally accept that you need other people. And that doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s means that you’re human and you weren’t meant to do life alone. We were never meant to do this alone. We are meant to live in community and fellowship with others. This means experiencing intimacy.

I refuse to live my life in fear of intimacy. I refuse to regret being confident and forthright. I refuse to suppress what I’m feeling. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to scream, then scream. If you need help, tell someone. If you feel too much, that’s okay. Express it. Chances are you will invite others to be vulnerable as well.

I’m okay with saying I need other people. Because I do.

i need other people.

– J